Slightly Insane Mom

"All mothers are slightly insane." –J.D. Salinger
April 24th, 2014

25 Things

It’s a somewhat half-assed tradition in the blogosphere to begin one’s blog with a “25 Things” post, a random list of facts about the blogger. And because I fully endorse half-assery, here is mine.

1. I love reality TV. The Dude and I watch Survivor and Amazing Race religiously. I love cooking shows like Top Chef, and guilty pleasures like Real Housewives of Orange County.

2. I met my husband on eHarmony, after taking their “29 Dimensions of Personality” profile quiz and forking over $49.95. I was matched up with him, and some meathead from Orlando named Tony. Tony’s profile pic involved a pair of wraparound shades and his skin had the pre-cancerous glow that only comes from the finest tanning beds. I think I picked the right guy.

3. I live in a shitty 70s split-level. It’s a constant source of angst for us. Home ownership is one of the most highly overrated aspects of adulthood.

4. I have three tattoos: two horrid 90s tribal things, and a Celtic motherhood knot, which I will probably think is horrid in 20 years, but right now I like it.

5. I have read the entire Outlander series 3 times.

6. I dabble in crafty home decor stuff, but nothing more advanced than spray painting and recovering a dining chair.

7. I swear like a fuckin’ sailor.

8. When we moved into our house, it had landscaping that I’m fairly certain was designed by Dr. Seuss.

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9. Remember when you were a kid and you would get ZOMG SO EXCITED!!! when the mail came? I still get excited about mail.

10. I love pop music. It’s stupid and inane and sometimes misogynistic, but dammit, sometimes I just want to back that thang up.

11. On a similar note, I’m fascinated by twerking. I can’t do it, but I wish I could.

12. I adore David Sedaris. I once met him before a reading, and he gave me a shout-out during the show. It was one of the most exciting moments of my life.

13. Jobs I have had in my lifetime: register person at Bed Bath and Beyond; assistant manager at The Body Shop; closet planner at The Container Store; dental office assistant; real estate office assistant; associate editor of a local environmental magazine; middle school English teacher; associate editor of an 8th grade Language Arts textbook. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

14. I wish Caillou would die a slow, horrible death.

15. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.*

16. I have a MENSA-level IQ, but am occasionally flummoxed by my daughter’s first grade math homework. Damn you, Common Core! Damn you to Hades!

17. I wear two wedding rings: mine, and my maternal grandmother’s. Gram was a big part of my upbringing. She passed away in 2008, and I was given her wedding ring. I love having a daily reminder of her.

18. I love Frozen far more than my kids do, and get excited whenever they want to watch it.

19. I’m obsessed with Grumpy Cat. I wish scientists could clone her. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

Thanks, Grumpy Cat!

20. I can’t keep Nutella in the house. I will eat it like it’s my job.

21. I adore my minivan. I’m sure that makes me a super-square soccer mom, but I don’t care. My Hottessey has heated leather seats, a moonroof, and an entertainment system. When I drive that van, I am a baller.

22. I prefer my coffee cold-brewed, over ice. If you’ve never experienced cold-brewed coffee, try it, you must.

23. I lost an organ after each of my first two kids. When my daughter was 1 month old, I had an emergency appendectomy. When my first son was 3 months old, I had my gallbladder removed. I always joked, “Jeez, if I have a third kid, I’ll have to have my tonsils out, haha!” I didn’t lose any organs after kid #3, but I did have to have an emergency c-section 6 weeks early, so I consider that time served.

24. I say “totally” a lot, and I call everyone “dude.” On a semi-related note, I frequently quote The Big Lebowski.

25. My right pinky fingernail is significantly larger than my left pinky fingernail.

 

*Not really. I just always wanted to quote “The Humpty Dance” in context.