Slightly Insane Mom

"All mothers are slightly insane." –J.D. Salinger
July 2nd, 2014 by Molly

Worthless Crap Wednesday: Internet Things That Need to Die a Fast, Painful Internet Death

After a month-long hiatus in which I engaged in a bit of self-pity and simultaneously gained 5 pounds by binge-eating ice cream, I’m back, and I have a few things to talk about. I need to tell you about Little Miss Sunshine’s first Girl Scout camping trip, Sergeant Snowflake’s new behavioral therapist, and I should probably talk about Mr. Mischief a bit, too (I swear, he does exist, and he’s awesome!). But before I can do any of that, it’s time for another edition of Worthless Crap Wednesday, in which I talk about things that are of absolutely no importance whatsoever.

This week’s topic: Internet Things That Need to Die a Fast, Painful Internet Death.

Much like LFO, those jeans with the pleather chaps attached, and Pogs, some trends are stupid and need to be forever scattered to the winds of pop culture history. Unfortunately, now we have the internet, which means that stupid things that would have been a flash in the pan in previous decades are now drawn out agonizingly, in every possible iteration. We all have different pet peeves. My brother-in-law, for example, hates Buzzfeed quizzes, whereas I am ALWAYS down for them, as I find them to be stunningly accurate windows into my soul.

Here is my own personal list of Internet Things that induce instant, teeth-gnashing rage whenever I see them:

1. “Nom nom nom.” Why are people still saying this? It’s stupid.  Don’t type it, and for fuck’s sake, don’t say it out loud. Don’t even think it. Let’s just go back to “yum” and save ourselves 2 syllables worth of idiocy.

2. The Condescending Wonka meme. The one about North Face jackets was funny.

northface-adventures

via knowyourmeme.com

Since then, they’ve all gone downhill.

3. Posting an article on Friendface, with the comment “THIS.” Listen, I get it. Sometimes you’re so enraged or flummoxed or coffee-deprived that you know you won’t be able to articulate anything nearly as concise as the author of the article. But friends, I really think we need to aim a little higher. Tell us why this link to a Colbert clip means something to you. Give me four or five words about why Matt Walsh’s latest right wing rant sums up your existence. Or–and here’s a concept–don’t say anything at all. Let the piece speak for itself. I know that little rectangle on the share window is beckoning, but if you must fill it with something, fill it with an actual thought. I’ll take an “LOL, this is awesome!” over “THIS” any day of the week.

4. Rape Sloth memes. Not everyone is familiar with the Rape Sloth, but believe it or not, it’s a thing, and it needs to go away. Much like sloths themselves, the Rape Sloth meme is creepy to the extreme.

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via memegenerator.net

The original meme started as a parody of a fashion spread–a model poses in a photo shoot with a creepy sloth whispering in her ear–who comes up with these things?! The problem is, rape is not funny. It’s never, ever funny. Not in meme form, not in stand-up comedy form, and not in casual conversation. I know this post is supposed to be about Internet Things, but now I’m off on a tangent and it’s my blog so I can do that. While the Rape Sloth is an Internet Thing, rape jokes are a Human Thing, and they need to die a fast, painful death.

5. Making fun of obese people. So there was this photo posted on a popular humor site and passed around the Interwebs. I’m not going to show it here, because I don’t want to contribute to the subject’s continued embarrassment, but I’ll describe it as best I can. Picture a grocery store soft drink aisle. In the middle of the aisle is an obese man who has tipped over his motorized scooter while trying to reach for a 12-pack of pop. This photo has made its way around the internet, always with a caption along the lines of “Must… Reach… Diet Coke!” And I’m assuming the message we’re supposed to take away from it is, “Ahhh, fat people! So funny!” It’s also supposed to be a commentary on the obesity epidemic in America. But to me, it’s more of a statement about the insensitivity epidemic in our country. A disabled person has fallen in a grocery store aisle, and rather than help, someone whips out a cell phone and snaps a photo that gets shared by thousands of people.

Think before you share insensitive bullshit. Also, those apps that take your photos and make you fat or old? Those things need to die, too.

6. Upworthy. Has there ever been a smarmier name for a site? This site owes its continued existence to suckers who fall for its click-bait headlines. “The Most Important Video You’ll See All Day.” “You’ll Never Believe What This Little Girl Does Next.” “What this Veteran Does Will Amaze You.” Folks, you’re being manipulated by these words to click, share, and increase Upworthy’s ad revenue.

7. Friendface Like Farming. I have personally shared Facecrooks’ excellent breakdown of like-farming scams about eleventy-seven times on my newsfeed. Alas, my Friendface friends still insist on sharing nonsense, so let me break it down for you. Scammy McScamster sets up a Friendface page with a name that is meant to sound legit. For my particular group of friends (30-40-something moms) we tend to fall for things in the home arena. Let’s say the page is called Scammy’s Splendid Home. Scammy trolls around the internet and finds recipes, inspirational quotes on pretty backgrounds, home tips, and those nifty “50 Great Preschool Crafts” posts. She then steals the post, giving no credit whatsoever to the original author, and posts it on her Scammy’s Splendid Home Friendface page. The page starts gathering likes, and once it gets enough, it can start making money off Friendface by posting ads for products and identity-stealing malware. So when you share that recipe for cinnamon rolls that most certainly was not written by Scammy herself, you’re encouraging the scammers, you’re endorsing plagiarism, and you’re putting your friends at risk for identity theft. If a post about How to Spotlessly Clean Your Windows encourages you to “like, and share to your timeline to save this post,” it’s a like-farming scam, no more. If you’re into sharing home tips, there’s a site for that. It’s called Pinterest.

8. Grumpy Cat Abuse. Perhaps the issue that weighs most heavily on my mind is the misuse of Grumpy Cat in memes. Poor Grumpy. All she wants to do is hang around and be mildly perturbed.

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via knowyourmeme.com

But instead, she’s got asshats making memes like this:

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via some knucklehead on memegenerator.net

She’s Grumpy Cat, not Evil Sadist Cat. Get it straight, Internet.

To sum up, friends, can we just agree to do away with some of these things? Let’s let them die to make room for the inevitable creation of more internet fuckery.

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Comments

One Response to “Worthless Crap Wednesday: Internet Things That Need to Die a Fast, Painful Internet Death”
  1. Kristey says

    I love your blog!